Thursday, October 23, 2008
Homesickness
Homesickness hit hard today. Jumped me in a blind alley. I went to a meeting with my linguistics professor, the one I dislike extremely. She had my essay which I was one of two students to turn in at all. I sat down and she said we would correct it together. Then, she started reading it and saying things like, "well, this is right, but it's an EXTREMELY simple way of saying this," "I understand what you mean here, but your Italian's not that great," "I'll use small words so that you understand me" and, my personal favorite, "did you study Italian before you came here?" Now, I know my Italian isn't exactly scholarly, but she really burst the little pride bubble I had going for being able to attend a university in a foreign country and understand the classes in a language I had only spent a year studying. For some reason, all this critisism brought to the surface all the rage I have for the stupid, convoluted, roundabout way things work here, all the fear of failure, all my doubts about my language skills and all my sadness at not having made any friends. I tried so hard to hold it all in that when I took the essay back from her, I was shaking. One little tear slipped out and she pounced: "Why are you crying? I don't understand. This isn't a grade so why are you so upset?" I cracked. I started crying and hiccuping and, for anyone who's ever cried in front of someone you dislike as much as possible, it's humiliating and frustrating. Then I cried harder at being so embarrassed that I couldn't control myself and now I still don't feel any better. I miss being at home. I miss dinner with my friends, I miss studying in a language I have a real mastery over. I miss teachers who codle, or at least care somewhat about your feelings. I want to go home.
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5 comments:
oh pobrecita, i'm so sorry. i know exactly how all of that feels, but not all together. if you need to talk ever, please give me a call.
*hugs*
Leah! I'm so sorry that happened! That sounds awful! I hope you're doing okay - we love you!
She does not sound like a very nice woman at all. Grrrrr.
If it makes you feel any better, my Arabic professor freshman year yelled at me after class and made me cry (including with hiccuping). Boo for not nice professors!
Aww, Leah! That's terrible what she did to you today! No matter what she says, you honestly have an impressive level of italian after only 1 year. You have gotten your own apartment, fed yourself for over a month, dealt with banks and stores and trains and hostels and daily life and been able to understand your classes, all in another language. That really is quite a lot to be able to do after only one year. And you're almost half way done with that linguistics class. And right after that you will be able to see your family and have a vacation. And when we eventually get back to Middlebury, we will look back on this time here and laugh at how silly and disorganized the Italians are and be so glad that we don't have to spend our whole lives living here!
And just think about how well you've survived this crazy place so far. You are strong, you are beautiful, you are smart, you are wonderful. You can make it through this. Everything will be alright, life will get better again.
We should really do something again tomorrow. We should find something that will make you laugh and not be stressed out as much and that will help you be less homesick. Do you want to cook again and actually watch a movie this time? I will have class from 4-6 in the afternoon, but will be free besides that. Do you want me to come over after the middlebury class and we can figure out something to do? And we can exchange pictures/cumin/flashlight while we're at it. And speak in a language we are actually fluent in, instead of this, albeit pretty, confusing one in which we aren't.
And hey, this weekend you can talk to your parents! Can they talk this time on Saturday instead of Sunday so that you get to see them sooner? Hopefully so.
Well, I will see you in class tomorrow morning. Sleep well and know that you are loved and it will be alright.
Writing about your pain may not make you feel any better, but it shines a light on your experiences for your readers. It's a gift to us to share your thoughts, so we can try to reach out with our spirits and love to embrace you from afar.
Leah,
So apparently my internet connection still isn't the greatest because I wrote a long comment and tried to send it, something fail, and now it says it didn't send, and oh yeah erased it. I'll try and reconstruct it.
Anywho, I hope that you're feeling better this morning. Just think, it's a new day, and great things can happen.
I'm also not sure if it'll help you, but what's helped me is a countdown, which means that if you're departing from the continent on Feb. 5th you have 103 days left (14 weeks and 5 days). Like I said, maybe that's not a comforting thought, and if not, just ignore it.
But just think. You're doing really well. You've been in Italy for two months and have traveled, attended classes, found an apartment, and so far as I know, you're doing great all things considered. I mean it really isn't a normal (or as I'm discovering) healthy situation. They throw us to a new continent, and strange countries where we're expected to mix and mingle with the locals, attend classes with natives, and still manage everything fabulously i.e.: pulling off a good grade at the end with no emotional issues.
You're also a strong, fabulous person who is doing much better than I am. I've had to have frequent meetings with the director just to keep from running back to frankfurt, buying a plane ticket home, and febbing myself (which off and on has seemed like a good idea). So far as I know, you haven't shared the same thought. You're doing great and you'll make it through fine.
Hopefully some of this helps, I know that it's rather long and rambly (and late, sorry about that!), but we're all here for you (if only cybernetically).
Have a great day, and a great weekend!
Happy thoughts and hugs from germany,
w
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